So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
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Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
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Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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