I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
