and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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