If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
