he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
