Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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