I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just threw up on my dentist
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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