Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
