I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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