Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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