A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
