Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She bit a glass in half.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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