Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
