don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
