yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
