You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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