there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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