Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
