Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
