so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
