I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Text me some of your sweat
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
