They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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