my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
