So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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