I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
