How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
