I think my vagina is haunted
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
