I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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