I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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