So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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