Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
