after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
