you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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