my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
