Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
