I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize
