If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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