I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
