So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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