So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
