The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
