I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
