I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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