is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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