mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
