Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She just used a chaser for red wine.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
