just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
