My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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