I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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