were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
