I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
